Life’s Mental!

It’s Men’s Mental Health Week and I thought it might be time for me to weigh in with my experiences with mental health issues and my learnings thus far. I will start off by saying that this is just my opinion, mainly built around ‘bro’ science and my own personal struggles and coping mechanisms. I go by lessons learned in all aspects of my life, I am not a researcher or anything like that. It happens to me, I go through it and manage it as best I can and if I make it out the other side I have learnings! That’s how it works for me so I’ll do my best to get it on paper.

I walked in to the doctors on the morning of November the 11th, Remembrance day which is ironic being ex Army, for what was a fairly routine appointment. 2hrs later I walked out and my whole world had changed forever. At the end of 2019 I had a heart attack before the weigh ins for Eternal DS 1. I was released from hospital the next day and the Dr’s had said they could find nothing wrong with my heart and I was made an outpatient for follow up tests. Fortunately I made it to the show and I’m glad I did as it was a cracker!!! Anyway I was just headed to the Doc to get my results of those follow ups. It was the good news that tipped me over the edge, I had a perfectly healthy heart in fact it was in such good condition it was surprising I had found myself hospitalised. I scratched my head in confusion and then the doc asked me a simple question “ Are you stressed out at all?”. I expected to answer that question with a hard ‘No’ but what happened instead was a breakdown! I began to cry, I hadn’t cried (outside of funerals and The Green Mile) for 15 years. Then all these memories began flowing from my mind and out of my mouth, I hadn’t told anyone these things ever. I certainly hadn’t ever thought about telling them to a relative stranger. My 15 minute consult was stretching almost well in to the 3rd hour and I was still dripping like a tap. The Doc was unreal, she had been a serving Black Hawk pilot for 20+ years so kinda knew a lot of where I was coming from. “You might have PTSD” was her assessment after listening to my dribble for hours.

I was immediately in denial, no not me, I’m good, nothing happened to me at war etc….. She then explained that anything can be a traumatic event, if Cam drops his beer that’s a traumatic event for him! Everyone is different and we all suffer things in different ways. She recommended me to seek therapy and I was open to that but being mid COVID most therapists were solidly booked until the new year. She kept seeing me once a week at the surgery until I could get in to therapy. I had walked in to her office that day without a care in the world, thinking I had it all under control and life was good. To be perfectly honest I left a mess, confused, sad, angry and with what seemed like a permanent black cloud sitting right. I held it together to the car then broke down again, crying in the car would become a regular in my life for the foreseeable future. I managed to get home without crashing.

It was at home where the trouble started, I told my wife what had happened and she was amazingly supportive. She thought it explained a lot as I had been an emotionless robot for the most part of our relationship, she said she would help me through it and we would get there. The problem with mental health is it’s all consuming when it’s bad, I used to think it was weakness as most men my age do. When it had me it really had me, I used to have bad days but had developed a rule that I could sulk or feel sorry for myself for that day but on waking up the next day it was gone, move on and get back to happy, positive me. I couldn’t do that anymore, I would wake up each day with the dark cloud, feeling pessimistic and finding zero joy. Weird, as I have an amazing family, beautiful children and a job I love, what’s to be sad about. I could find zero joy in anything it was all miserable and I couldn’t stop crying. I was ashamed of myself, a weak man who was a burden to all around me and I started to think everyone around me would be better off without me.

One night I was laying in bed and I couldn’t sleep, the misery, self pity and self hate was peaking and I wanted to end it. Get away from everyone who’s life I could worsen. I was about to climb out of bed and who knows what would have happened next. Just as I was about to get up my daughters image flashed as clear as day into my mind. I stopped, I later found out that children who have had a parent commit suicide have a 20% higher chance of becoming a victim of suicide themselves (From a reliable Dr source but no I haven’t researched to fact check, it’s helps me remember I couldn’t pass that legacy on to my kids!), I woke the missus up and she reassured me that I was wanted and needed and I lived to fight another day. For the ensuing weeks and months I remained in this horrible parallel universe of feeling ‘OK’ one minute and being almost convinced I shouldn’t be here the next. Luckily I have a really close group of people around me, my family of course ( I didn’t tell my parents as due to COVID they were stuck on the other side of the world and I didn’t want to worry them unduly) and my gym community and my pals. Everyone was brilliant and I leaned on a couple of people hard over the time post that consult with the doc. 

It was a roller coaster, I developed some difficulty with sleeping and people entering my room at night. In my younger years in the forces I had some bad experiences with attacks whilst sleeping. One night my poor daughter came through the door with a red night light (Red light is very commonly used as a filter on torches in the Army) I don’t remember this my wife retold it, I sprung out of bed and grabbed her. I woke to both my wife and my daughter screaming and hysterical, terrified. This broke me, I could have potentially done harm to one of the people I would never knowingly hurt, ever. Sending me back in to a tailspin mentally as it made me think I was even more of a liability to the people around me. This happened again a few weeks later this time with the wife, she came to bed later and when she came in I freaked out again, I don’t remember doing it but came too with her screaming at me from behind the en suite door. I never was physical but was very aggressive, I have zero recollection of this and just came through coated in sweat and confused. The solutions we came up with at home were for me to sleep locked in the spare room for the foreseeable future. A good solution as I knew my family were safe but I found the worst in it. I’m a prisoner in my own home, sleeping locked in the spare room, negativity, negativity, negativity. Old me would have found the positives but I just couldn’t find any. I reached what I hope is my lowest ebb shortly thereafter, my wife was working late, the kids were in bed and I was left with my own thoughts. I quickly got on to the negative thought cycle and before I knew it I was walking circles of my kitchen bench with the biggest knife I could find wondering whether to use it or not. I was calm and I had talked myself to 2 options:

  1. If I carry on down this path of misery It will end up one way, why be miserable for all that time just put an end to it.
  2. Stop being miserable, choose to find positives and live life, embrace it and treasure it. 

To me it was that simple, fuck off the face of the earth or grab life by the balls and sort myself out. Obviously, I sit here writing this so I made the right choice. I put the knife away, sat down on the couch and cried which was not unusual those days. By the time my wife got home I was in fine form, I sat her down and told her what I had been up to while she was out she was obviously shocked but she said I was noticeably different and we left it at that. 

Since then I’ve been very good, once you hit rock bottom everywhere above it is a nice spot. What I have learned from working through all this, what has worked for me in dealing with it is what I will try to explain here. First and foremost I feel like I have to choose how to view life, I have to worry about what I can control. I made a choice marching around my kitchen bench to choose life. It’s a cliché and I think I first heard it being said in the movie Trainspotting but for me it makes perfect sense. My happiness and how I decide to live life is essentially a choice. Literally, everything I’m confronted with on the daily it is my choice how I deal with it. I try to find the positives or if it’s something out of my control I try to not even stress about it. Trust me, I know it sounds simple but it really is a choice, granted it is not an easy choice and I literally had to reach the bottom of the barrel to make it.

The second thing that has been a saviour has been talking about it, I have very open dialogue within my circle and am not afraid to speak up when I’m having a bad day and encourage those around me to do the same. I spend time now asking others how they are doing, not briefly as a pleasantry but a serious question with my full attention attached. It’s amazing how many people have opened up to me as a result too. A problem shared is a problem halved is another saying that is very appropriate, I try to regularly engage those around me in sub surface conversations. It really is good to talk and I personally think mental health afflicts men so badly as we are so reluctant to talk on how we are feeling as it is perceived by many as a weakness. I believe it’s a strength, Tyson Fury is the baddest man on the planet, the heavyweight champion of the world and he is very outspoken about his mental health and is as hugely inspirational character. 

The third step I have taken is to seek regular appointments with a professional. It is actually nice to sit with someone who is completely impartial and just get some shit out of your head. I have begun to figure a lot of things out about myself as a result of these chats and I definitely have a better understanding of mental health as a result.

If you are struggling then tell someone, you’d be surprised to know how many people out there are also hiding there struggles. During my time coping with this I was surprised with the amount of close friends I spoke to who were dealing with similar issues or had similar thoughts to me. What has hit home is I am not alone and there is always someone willing to lend you an ear if you have the courage to ask. I have tried to put myself in peoples shoes if they are rude, stand offish, miserable or distant wheras in the past I may have thought ‘Miserable Fucker’ I now try and tell myself that I don’t know what they are dealing with and try cut everyone a bit more slack.

I will leave you with this famous Winston Churchill quote 

“If you are going through hell, keep going.” 

THE FUTURE OF AUSTRALIAN MMA? CODY HADDON IS STAKING HIS CLAIM

June 5th, 2021, presented as something of a potential career trajectory moment for a then twenty two-year-old Cody Haddon. 

Touted by many as a future star of Australian MMA, Haddon was thrust into the spotlight of an  Eternal MMA main event having notched just two professional fights in his young career. 

His opponent would be then reigning Eternal MMA Flyweight champion, Stephen Erceg – a man in  need of an opponent after a scheduled title fight with hard-hitting contender Paul Loga fell through and ultimately rescheduled. 

Struggling to find opponents in his own division, Haddon jumped at the chance to face a champion  moving up a weight class in search of a fight to fill the void left by the rescheduled title bout.  

Erceg VS Haddon would go down as the 2021 Fight of the Year.

Questions were asked if this match up was “too much, too soon” for the then 2-0 Haddon. Erceg  boasted a wealth of experience as a mixed martial artist and was well on his way to next phase of  career, while Haddon was barely at the beginning of his journey. 

Haddon would ultimately go on to lose a decision to the flyweight champion in a three-round war  that would eventually be named “fight of the year” for 2021 – a fight that was anybody’s to win right  up until the final bell.  

It would be first blemish on the young prospect’s MMA record, but a huge boost in stock given his  performance against a far more established opponent. It’s a performance that has aged finely, given  the fact that Erceg would earn himself a call up to Dana White’s Contender Series less than twelve  months later. 

Fast forward to May of 2022, Haddon would steady the course and notch his third professional win at Eternal 66 against surging contender, Jarrett Wilbraham.

Haddon VS Wilbraham had the local crowd on their feet.

A fight that lived up to the hype in every way would see the twenty-three-year-old Haddon finish Wilbraham early in the third round with a series of elbows following a well-executed takedown. 

For Haddon, it was a moment of vindication after dedicating himself to years of hard work as a  martial artist. After taking some time to work on himself both personally and professionally following his loss to Erceg, Haddon found it tough to find an opponent who would be willing to share  the Eternal MMA cage with him – a major hinderance for a competitor with high ambitions and a  clear vision of the path he wishes to take. 

Speaking with Eternal MMA, Haddon reflected on his emotions after the win and what it means for  his future. 

“For me (winning) is always reassurance,” said Haddon. 

“Obviously the fight was tough, and it got a bit messy. You kind of lose that assurance of yourself  (during) the fight. Not that you’re doubting yourself, it’s just that it’s an intense fight.” 

“After winning and getting the finish (I felt) relieved to have won, even though I thought I was going  to win. At the same time, I was obviously very energetic and excited about winning, and (even) angry  in a way.”

“(It’s) a bit off a mix of emotions. When I win, especially if I get the finish, it makes me feel like I want  to start calling all these people out. That’s not my persona, it’s just how I feel. It’s kind of like ‘I  deserve this’. I deserve another fight; I deserve people to stop running from me and actually step up  and fight.” 

Haddon was highly emotional after this win at Eternal 66.

Step up and fight was exactly what Haddon’s opponent, Jarrett Wilbraham set out to do when  seemingly nobody else would. 

A surging prospect in his own right with vast skill set, unorthodox style and a unique height  advantage for the bantamweight division, Wilbraham presented as a dangerous opponent more  than capable of squaring Haddon’s win-loss record. 

Undefeated at 5-0 coming into the matchup, Wilbraham was riding a wave of momentum that  included an impressive TKO victory over the durable Jamie Hunt at Eternal 63. 

Suffice to say, this was not a matchup tailored to get Haddon back on track. Wilbraham is as tough a  competitor as Australia has to offer with his own lofty goals. This was going to take a complete  performance from the Western Australia native. 

Haddon and his team, fronted by Luistro Combat Academy head coach, Romel Luistro, studied what  little footage was available on Wilbraham prior to the match. According to Haddon, the game-plan  was more about emphasising his own skill set rather than devising a specific plan for what  Wilbraham would bring to the table. 

“I definitely watched the fight with Jamie Hunt,” said Haddon. 

He looked very, very good in that fight. I knew that he liked to throw big head kicks, I knew that he  liked to throw big knee’s, I knew that he liked to clinch – go for the body lock. I knew he was very  strong and fit.” 

“My coach Romel said, ‘No game plan. You got out there and mix it up with the guy. You’re better  than this guy in every area’. So, there was actually no game plan.” 

“I went in with an adaptable mindset and just tried to be as adaptable as possible in there with  Jarrett.” 

The 22-year old looked comfortable everywhere the fight took place.

An adaptable mindset would prove to be an important key to success as the fight opened at a  furious pace, with Wilbraham pushing the issue and forcing an early takedown. Wilbraham would  advance position and attempt to take Haddon’s back, looking for a submission. Haddon managed to  find his way back to his feet, only for Wilbraham to slam Haddon back to the mat with a thunderous  takedown. 

It was in these opening exchanges that Haddon became fully aware that he was in for a tough fight. 

“He took me down and my first thought was ‘how much does this guy weigh right now?’, he felt like  a lightweight,” said Haddon. 

“He was super strong – probably the strongest I’ve felt in a fight. He just grabbed me and picked me  up straight away.”

“When I started to move and noticed that he wasn’t trying to let go of grips, get better grips and  advance position, that’s when I realised, he was just trying to hold me with strength. I knew that was  only going to last a (short) amount of time. I was composed the whole time.” 

“It was a matter of being efficient with my energy. I knew he was going to come hard. In my mind  the whole time during the fight (I was thinking) ‘just keep putting pressure on him, he’s going to  start slowing down’.” 

“I definitely felt like he was dangerous the whole time, but I just let him swing and miss, get tired,  and then I was able to have my way with it.” 

As Haddon alluded to, efficiency would also play another vital part in securing the victory. With both  fighters having their own moments in the first round, Haddon had the best of them with a well timed jab that dropped Wilbraham as he was loading up with his own right hand. 

A three-time Australian amateur boxing champion, Haddon exhibited exceptional footwork, timing  and range. His obvious skill set on the feet continued to be demonstrated as the fight progressed  with well executed combinations and precise head movement that gave way to precise counter  striking.  

Beginning to sense a drop in energy from Wilbraham midway through the contest, Haddon took full  advantage with his own takedowns and ground control. Never out of the contest until the finish,  Wilbraham would continue to contest the fight from his back, making submission attempts and  never accepting his position as Haddon continued to work within Wilbraham’s guard to impose his  own dominance over his taller opponent. 

The momentum that Haddon took into the third and final round would pay off almost immediately.  A double-leg takedown in the opening minute was quickly capitalised on by a series of heavy elbows to the face of Wilbraham, leaving the referee no choice but to wave the fight off. 

Haddon’s eventual victory came early in the third round.

What initially seemed like a possible early stoppage was quickly proven to be the right call from an  alternative camera angle to the original broadcast. The initial takedown from Haddon was driven  with enough force to stun Wilbraham as his head hit the mat, with the follow up elbows sealing the  knockout victory for the fan favourite in his home state. 

With the win in hand, Haddon’s attention turned immediately towards the rest of the Bantamweight division. Calling out no one in particular, Haddon made it clear that he wants all would-be  challengers to come and see him when it’s time to step back inside the Eternal MMA cage. 

Clearly of the opinion that not only his performance, but also his words may have lit a fire under the  rest of the division, Haddon expects that he should now see a slew of challengers step up in attempt to take away some of his shine. 

“I think now I’ve created a little bit of a response,” said Haddon. 

“There is a few more people now that definitely want to fight me, they want to take something that I  might have. Having a lot of fans and stuff like that, they definitely want to take that from me now.  It’s lit a bit of a fire in their bellies, and they definitely want to put a stop to me because it makes  them look better.”

“I definitely want to get another two, three, four more fights in by the end of this year and stay  pretty active. Therefore, I can solidify my position. Then after that, I deserve to be going on to  (bigger things).” 

Haddon expects more challengers to put their name forward after Eternal 66.

The biggest question facing Cody Haddon right now is whether he truly is the future of Australian  MMA. Considered by many fans and media to be the case, Haddon himself was steadfast in his  opinion on whether it’s a label he is happy to shoulder. 

“One hundred percent,” said Haddon. 

“I feel like I’ve been the future of Australian MMA since before I had my first amateur MMA fight.  I’m super happy to carry that. If I’m not carrying that, I’m a bit insulted. I’ve always seen myself as  the future of Australian MMA. All my fans around me have always seen me as that, all my friends  and family – coaches as well. 

“I feel like I deserve that label. Like said, I’d be insulted if people aren’t labelling me that. Not being  big headed or anything, (but) the thing is I’ve been wanting to do this since I was six years old – I’m  twenty-three now. It’s the only thing I’ve thought about since I was six years old.” 

“My schoolteachers would ask me ‘what do you want to do when you’re older?’ (And I’d say) I want to be UFC champion.” 

“I remember I did a presentation in year three of the UFC, explaining to everyone in the class what I  want to do, what the UFC is and why I want to do it.” 

“I‘ve been a fan and I’ve been wanting to do it for a very long time. So, to be labelled that, I (feel  like) I deserve it.” 

– Cody’s match vs Jarrett Wilbraham at Eternal 66 can be replayed on UFC Fight Pass.